I was an olympian...for a couple seconds

check this out...
These are 4 olympic gold medalists who came to FOB Grizzly to show their support for the troops. I got to drive them around and escort them to meet everybody on our Camp so I got to talk with them quite a bit. It was great and it was so nice to know famous people give their support too ;) Shannon Miller was a 2or3 time gold medalist for gymnastics at two olympics. The white guy is the 3 time gold medalist for speed skating his name is Joey Cheek. He actually brought his gold medal and wouldn't let me get away with just looking at it... he let me wear it!! Tanya Wilkenson is the taller girl who medaled in platform diving. Julius Taylor has medaled in the past and is still competing in 100meter hurdles. I might be making up the 100-part. I don't know. I was just excited that we had visitors and they wore civilian clothes. I didn't retain all of the details. Hopefully we'll have more visitors. They're taking applications if any of you want to come visit ;) hehe

This our crew with a group of Iraqi Army soldiers who were manning a lookout tower.

Now to the real story...it's funny, because I thought I'd go to Iraq to do soldier things. Always busy, hustlin' and bustlin' with big guns and heavy equipment...but I see the "real" story as what goes on inside me. Silly me to think that what goes on outside of my body could be the real story.

So last night I had a realization...bitter sweet too, if you will.
I, like any good little Christian kid, always thought of myself as a sheep who sticks close to my shepherd. A sheep who follows, obeys sometimes, gets lost a lot, but always has a savior who comes looking for me...always. This picture is so comforting. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Psalm 23.
But...last night I had someone ask me, "but what if you're a sheepdog? What if you're not just a sheep...what if you're meant to help lead, help guide?" I told him...I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that. But it really made me uncomfortable...and I couldn't shake it. It irritated me even more that I didn't know why it bothered me so much. What's the big deal with having a little responsibility anyways?

Well recently I've been having to transmit messages in and out over the radio to the rest of our base. I hate to admit it, but I was afraid to death to sit in this big seat. It's a tough job...an open one where many people can watch, listen, critique...and quite frankly I was afraid of messing up. It's funny how fear locks me up. Keeps me from leaping into the unknown...keeps me thinking that the unknown is a pit of failure and pain. It scares me to death to think that God could be calling me to be something more...something more than taking the role a lowly sheep. I'm just supposed to follow...but I've realized He's asked us to do more than just follow. He's asked me to step up and leap into the abyss-or what seems to me like the abyss-and take an active watching, loving, guiding role. And the part that holds me up is that in taking the step it's a reality that I'm going to mess up...possibly in the lime light where everyone can hear, watch, critique. But it's true that He's meant more for me. "i've got plans for you, declares the Lord." And I'm realizing that the plan is more than being a sitter/watcher/follower. After I accepted His bigger plans for me all these things came rushing to me
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,"
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."
so, what I'm trying to say is...God revealed something to me very challenging and I am skeptical about accepting it. But He's promised He won't just leave me and He says there is NOTHING I could ever do to make Him stop loving me. And I'm ok with that. So where do I start?

The church crew :D

This is the group I am lucky enough to call my family here. They all are really awesome, and it is so encouraging to be walking around the base and see these people knowing that we share the same heart for Christ. The traveling Chaplain and his assistant were here last night for our Bible study too!

The chaplain shared a really strong passage with us too...last night it was all about not dwelling on the past. He brought up Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland

For so long I've felt anchored to my past. See, I didn't realize that the enemy uses what's already happened to constantly anchor me to the past...to keep me from moving forward...to keep me from growing. But right here, in this scripture, the Lord says that He is doing a NEW THING!! He's not only giving me permission to let go, but He says that He's stepping in and making a way in the desert...and streams in the wasteland. I'm in a desert, in a wasteland...and it seems impossible to make a way--a single way. In this desolate place you could easily walk in any direction and not know the difference...but He says He's making A way. One way. The way out of here alive and thriving. It also seems impossible to make a stream in a wasteland. Especially a place where the only thing that runs and blows in this place is sand...and a minute after the rain ends, the water is gone. But He said it. He's doing something new in this desert...in me. He's bringing water-abundant life-to the desert. He's making a way where there is no way...and as impossible as it may seem, He said it...and I believe it. I no longer have to stare at the camcorder of my past and loath the shame. I no longer have to be anchored to the past. So let's get moving forward...if only I could remember how to walk...

finally

I finally got some pictures downloaded onto my computer of my wonderful experiences...
First of all, there are T-barriers (big cement barriers) EVERYWHERE. I find it very easy to get lost here because almost all of the buildings are surrounded by these. Now, you give a soldier too much down time and this is what happens...












it has become very popular to paint these t-barriers. Here's one for you, uncle Tim E-- My Grandpa on my mom's side was in the "old ironside" unit. The original. I thought it was awesome that the new "old ironside" painted a t-barrier and I got to see it!
This is me on a C-130. Also an awesome experience! I've never been on an aircraft where I felt like my eardrums were going to rattle out of my head because it was so loud.
Look at this beefy vehicle! I got to ride in the back

This is my last one...at this point in the landing of a bird, you turn away and close your mouth :D haha

one more thing...

I almost forgot!
I found an AWESOME Bible study group here that meets once a week. The people that come are mostly adults that are civilians from the US. They got great insight and it's really personable and interactive. There was only one flyer I saw so I'm glad it caught my eye and I found someone to go with! Thank you all for praying...God hears.

a lot has transpired

camels, black hawk helicopters, c-130 airplanes, laying on sand-filled barriers watching the stars at night, ALWAYS carrying 2 weapons on my person...I'm at war...in Iraq. It's been sort of strange how our training in Texas resembles this place. Sometimes I wake up and still think I'm in Texas. I roll over in my bed, pick up my cell phone and remember my cell phone doesn't do so well reaching all the way across the ocean. In these measly few weeks I've been here, I'm amazed at the experiences I've had. I actually get to stand on the flight line and watch black hawks land...a note on that- 1)DON'T wear your hat onto a flight line 2)if you're going to wear your hat onto the flight line, hold onto it with 2 hands 3)turn AWAY from the helicopter when it's approaching the ground...don't be wide-eyed googly-eyed and watch it all the way to the ground. haha as you can tell, my first experience was quite interesting :) It was dark...my hat flew off...I couldn't find it...I stood wide eyed and watched it land-got a facefull of stinging sand...I think I even got some in my teeth! haha I've found super friends who like to do the same things I do so I've been keeping my nights pretty full! I'm sure much more fun experiences are to come and I can't wait!

My eyes have seen holy...

It is SO easy for me to get caught up in the day...but when my heart is quiet, really quiet, I hear this...

look this up: :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaJelws8MgA


Am I unfit for You
Remember me, the one who turned from You
I come in rags tattered by the Fall
And all the earth, a witness to my crime

Mercy, weep over me
Let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
For my eyes have seen Holy

Hear my prayer at night
Let the morning find me alive
For I am tired and weakened by the Fall
Let all the earth bear witness to my cry

Mercy, weep over me
Let Your tears wash me clean
Majesty, be merciful with me
For my eyes have seen Holy

Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Amen sound from Heaven as You lift my soul
Let the Angels sound from Heaven, Holy is the Lord

-So many times I feel unfit for God...in His Majesty...in His power...in His glory I feel so outranked. I can remember what I've done, how daily I break His heart...but I can rest knowing that everyday His mercy washes over me...His tears that feel for me wash me clean...and when I least expected it, I saw Him...in all His majesty and glory and perfect-ness...He let this broken one see Holy. I don't even have to be afraid for Jesus' blood washed me clean. Thank you, Lord

ahem...

I don't quite understand it.
How some people can change... one day it's this way... the next day, that way is completely forgotten and I don't even know the person. or is it? do those people really change that quick, or is it a mind game they play--not only with themselves, but others too? Is that mind game meant to confuse the others, or subconsciously confuse themselves? Can the mind game be used to cope or is it malicious? if it's meant to just confuse the others, boy did it work on me. I don't do well with confusion because I'm a problem solver. So when I have this confusion, it pecks at me... and no matter how much I'd like to ignore it, it still continues to take its chunks of me. And I'm starting to hurt because I now see the possibility that the change is not subconcious and it never was. That it was a blatant change to get me...out of the picture. I'd like to think that I mean more than for someone to just pick me up and drop me when they say "time's up". I'd like to think that. I'd like to think I mean enough for someone to treat me the same nomatter where I am and not just forget about me the minute I move away. But I still sit here...feeling forgotten and trying to ignore the blatant change. I'd like to ignore it...and try to imagine the innocence of it all.
I even have excellent reasons to ignore it:
1)I'm in Iraq...so far away from everything...including the problem at hand
2)I have God. I should be able to get along solo with God no questions asked.
3)My day is full of things to keep my mind here overseas and away from the states
4)I'm okay being alone...
but I have to admit that I'm scared to death to be alone...to be forgotten.
All I'm saying is I don't quite understand it all. I'd like to be strong, be bullheaded and run into the thing that I'm most afraid of--being alone, possibly forgotten, because I know that is where I will become a stronger person. I'd like to accept the fact that I may not ever understand--and move on to bigger and better things. I just don't quite understand how.

ah...home sweet home

We finally made it! I've now been told I can say that we are at FOB Grizzly in Ashraf, Iraq. Not that it'd matter :) Most have never heard of it before. haha. But here we are...I like it. We even have some foliage running around these parts. There's this little patch of grass that's about as big as I am. I betcha I could curl up on it...possibly take off my boots and walk the 4 feet across the patch with the grass between my toes. You never know... I could even curl up on it, close my eyes and see if it's Nebraska quality grass. Most definitely not going to be, but I should at least give it a test run. Hey, I'm just impressed and ecstatic to see green here. That's more than I was expecting.

They got us up in trailers here. All heated and air conditioned. I share mine with my buddy, but there's PLENTY of room for the both of us. Soon we will get internet IN our rooms--very nice. Possibly even cable tv, if we bat our eyes enough haha. We have great facilities for showering with sinks and toilets... and the toilets flush sometimes! The plumbing is a little behind par, so you gotta cross your fingers every time you push the button to flush the john. We even have a coffee shop here.

One big thing I will add...
I found out today that Church is kinda an afterthought here. It's not very regular maybe every other week they'll have it. I haven't seen any fliers for Bible studies, prayer meetings, or anything spiritual. I'm quite disappointed. I thought I could walk right into a Christian family here, but now it seems like if I want to be a part of a community, it's going to have to be built from ground zero. I, however, do not feel equipped to do anything like that. It actually scares me. So I'm asking for courage, maybe a little spunk and creative ideas for rallying a group so that we can all be encouraged and challenged by each other.

If I can say anything though,
I am so grateful for my hard-working unit who ALL are movers and shakers. I look forward to great accomplishments and memories with them all. I also know that God works through prayer. My life is an example. Thank you all for your support in prayer!

it's 2009 and I'm in Kuwait??

So, yeah ma. I will get to see camels here! haha. Here we were, just a driving down the street/highway/i don't know some road, and we had to almost completely stop for this herd of camels. Is it herd? Maybe it's a team of camels, or a bunch, or gaggle, or a pride. I dunno. But there was this large group of camels being herded across a completely dessolate desert. I mean there is NOTHING here! And by here, I mean Kuwait. NO-THING. As we went along, though, we saw a lot more camels and caravans of Kuwaitis that apparently herd these hump-backed mammals for a living. Very interesting! I kinda like it, and I would really like to ride one. haha. Oh, and you know what we got for a new year's present? A mouth-full of sand. :) mm mm. That's right...the wind picked up and everywhere you go, you eat and breathe sand. Oh, and it gets in your ears like nobody's business!

So happy new year to everyone! I was actually eating breakfast when you all were doing the good ole countdown! And some of us even watched the ball drop in NYC on the tvs in the dining facility at breakfast! I didn't make any new years resolutions this year though. Mostly because I didn't even realize it was new year's eve until about 9pm. It's just so different here. But then again, new year's resolutions have never been my focus for the new year. I figure if I'm going to attempt to make any big changes in my life, I'm not going to wait for that one day to do it. I'll just do it! But I am glad it's 2009, I'm glad I had-and have-awesome family and friends to spend 2008 with. I'm glad for a new opportunity in this 2009 year and for the challeges it will bring. I just want to leave you with a couple of verses that have been the foundation for what God is doing in my life right now...

...but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and Sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Phil 3:12-14

In some ways 2008 was both excellent and horrifying. I want to forget it and not let the past weigh me down. But instead, I choose to look forward to the future and press into the only one who can make me whole. Jesus.