This our crew with a group of Iraqi Army soldiers who were manning a lookout tower.

Now to the real story...it's funny, because I thought I'd go to Iraq to do soldier things. Always busy, hustlin' and bustlin' with big guns and heavy equipment...but I see the "real" story as what goes on inside me. Silly me to think that what goes on outside of my body could be the real story.

So last night I had a realization...bitter sweet too, if you will.
I, like any good little Christian kid, always thought of myself as a sheep who sticks close to my shepherd. A sheep who follows, obeys sometimes, gets lost a lot, but always has a savior who comes looking for me...always. This picture is so comforting. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." Psalm 23.
But...last night I had someone ask me, "but what if you're a sheepdog? What if you're not just a sheep...what if you're meant to help lead, help guide?" I told him...I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that. But it really made me uncomfortable...and I couldn't shake it. It irritated me even more that I didn't know why it bothered me so much. What's the big deal with having a little responsibility anyways?

Well recently I've been having to transmit messages in and out over the radio to the rest of our base. I hate to admit it, but I was afraid to death to sit in this big seat. It's a tough job...an open one where many people can watch, listen, critique...and quite frankly I was afraid of messing up. It's funny how fear locks me up. Keeps me from leaping into the unknown...keeps me thinking that the unknown is a pit of failure and pain. It scares me to death to think that God could be calling me to be something more...something more than taking the role a lowly sheep. I'm just supposed to follow...but I've realized He's asked us to do more than just follow. He's asked me to step up and leap into the abyss-or what seems to me like the abyss-and take an active watching, loving, guiding role. And the part that holds me up is that in taking the step it's a reality that I'm going to mess up...possibly in the lime light where everyone can hear, watch, critique. But it's true that He's meant more for me. "i've got plans for you, declares the Lord." And I'm realizing that the plan is more than being a sitter/watcher/follower. After I accepted His bigger plans for me all these things came rushing to me
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,"
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."
so, what I'm trying to say is...God revealed something to me very challenging and I am skeptical about accepting it. But He's promised He won't just leave me and He says there is NOTHING I could ever do to make Him stop loving me. And I'm ok with that. So where do I start?